Click Here to Fill Out the Husband Form
Above is the place where all my form applications have gone. I received none, zilch, nil, zero, nada and nothing. I figured I wouldn't get a lot, but not even one is kind of depressing. I mean I know this is kind of a joke so I was half way expecting maybe a half way joke at least one and damn it, I get none. This makes me rethink my strategy.
I currently live in Costa Rica and while yes it is beautiful and yes the men are way fine. It is very hard to meet someone here, especially for one that butchers their language like me. I know two year olds that speak better Spanish then I do, but I digress. The only way you have to meet another gay man here is going to the clubs and let's face it a forty something old going to the club every night just cries desperation and a leopard (gay version of cougar because it has spots and us gay boys love a good design). The other option are the wonderful world of apps like Grindr, Growler, Scruff, Badoo, Adam4Adam, XXL, VGL, OKC, Skout, Jack'd, MR, Bender and many many more.
I have gotten many dates off the above mentioned applications. I have also gotten many one night stands from them as well. I have gotten two friends from them, but nothing potential as David to my Neil Patrick or Carlos to my Ricky or David to my Elton or Ben to my Anderson. What is the problem you may ask? I'm not quite sure.
For years, while I was living in the superficial United States, I moaned because I was overweight and not a perfect Jeremy Renner or NPH (my nemisis) that the guys paid me no attention, but here I get a lot of action. Now granted some of them think I can take them to a better life in the states and I am so not that person because I really don't plan on going back anytime soon. I want to marry for love, affection, respect and joy. Others think I will pay their way through life like a Sugar Daddy and call me selfish but if I could afford to take care of someone, it would be my mother, my son and my son's wife before I would pay the way for someone else through life. Still others only want one thing and I am more than willing and able to meet that request, but you can only have so many meaningless encounters before you start singing Peggy Lee's "Is that All There Is?"
All of this app dating as I call it has left me feeling a little lost and old quite frankly. I am never that good on making a profile so I know it sucks. I hate those questionnaire things, but then the free form ones make me sound either like an idiot, every other clueless cat or extremely narcissistic. I am also not sure on the etiquette of app dating. Do I send a wink, a message, or a growl? How friendly should it be? How sexy should it be? I don't want to be the bud to go out and have drink with while we watch dudes, but I also don't want to be the guy that dudes comes off like a porn slut. How often do you message them? Too little, you are not interested. Too much, you are desperate. What's appropriate meeting place? My apartment screams do me, do me, do me. Bar screams get wasted and screw other people. Dinner and a movie screams teenage first date. Coffee screams I am scared of you, plus I hate coffee. It just irritates me.
However doing this app dating has led me to some pet peeves that I wish gay boys would stop or need to start doing. I also have some questions about app dating etiquette.
1) If you are looking just for sex, please list that in your profile and don't hit on those of us that are wanting a relationship. We get all excited and start thinking about dates, blending of friends, meeting families.....We meet you and you get in our pants and then you never talk to us again or you find out we want more than just a one night stand and you get mad at us because we won't meet you for sex because you think the app is only to fill your sexual desire. You are a shallow selfish prick and please stay away from us that really want to build a life with someone.
2) Douche bags stop with only showing pictures of your abs, your butt, your bicep, your crotch and so on. You are so much more than your body part and any guy that will go out with you because of a body part is a shallow selfish prick.
3) Put a Damn Profile Pic Up. An empty spot screams closet case or slut with a bad rep or serial killer. You don't want people to know you are on the site, then don't be on the site. Those of you answer profiles with no pic are desperate and taking you life into your own hands. I am sure no serial killer would post their pic on their profile.
4) If you do post a face pic, make sure it is you now, not you 20 yrs ago. I was amazing looking 20 yrs ago as well and I am still amazing looking now. However both positions of amazing are different from each other. Be proud of your looks and who you are now. Don't hide behind your former self.
5) Also don't hide behind a celebrity. You have a picture of Jude Law as your profile pic. You are not Jude Law. You do not look like Jude Law and when I meet you , I will be upset because I would hope you would think you looked like Jude Law, but you don't, not even slightly.
6) If you are over several thousand miles away from me and you have no way of traveling to me, why are you all of a sudden saying I am your boyfriend and get upset if you find out I am talking to someone else. I have not met you. We have not dated. We have not slept together. I can't have a really deep connection with someone just by chatting with them through Skype or Facebook or Text. I do have to say I have on guy in India that think is an awesome guy and I am attracted to him very much. I would love to date him and wish I could afford to go to India to meet this man. However, we both live in the world of reality and realize that we may like each other but we live on opposite
sides of the world. If love comes knocking on our door at any time, n either one of us would say no to it just because we have a cool Internet friend.
sides of the world. If love comes knocking on our door at any time, n either one of us would say no to it just because we have a cool Internet friend.
7) When did the phrase " I want to get to know you" start meaning I want to have sex with you? I am not understanding this. I say it all the time and it turns out to be just wham, bam, thank you man. What is a better phrase that says I am interested in you more than just sex? Someone help me with this one. I am a Scorpion and we love sex, but we also love intimacy. You can't too much intimacy with a slap and tickle or roll in the hay.
8) If you are not interested, just be nice about it and say thanks but you are not my type. You do not need to be rude and point out the areas you do not like. The reverse is if someone is not interested in you and they say thanks but I am not interested, leave it alone. Don't ask why. Don't argue. Don't get offended. Everyone can't like you and everyone won't like you. You start asking too many questions and you may not like the answers you get.
9) How young is too young? How old is too old? I am very confused by this because here in Costa Rica, no one who is 40 or above is interested in me. The guys in their late 20's & 30's are marginally interested in me. The guys in their early to mid 20's are very interested in me. I know I am in gay heaven. My main objection to this is that I am 20+ years older than them. These guys are my sons age and what time does this become creepy. I am working through this process, but I imagine introducing one of these guys to my son and his wife and they would have so much in common because they are the same age. I t would be like dating one of their friends. Am I making too much out of this or what?
10) Please stop asking for naked or pornographic pics of me. I do not have any pictures of my genitals or ass to share with anyone. There's more to me than just a body part. Which leads me to say what do you say to someone when you receive one from them? I mean do you play it cool and end a :-) or do you get porno on what you would with it or what. I mean you have to say something. My southern upbringing tells me I have to say something. I just don't what it is.
11) Lastly, I don't do naked chat on Skype or any other communication device. I have never understood cyber sex, sexting, naked chatting or what ever. If I wanted to touch myself, I can do that on my own without trying to type or keep a camera steady. I have logged many hours of solo flying. In fact, I am sure I am an expert about it and I encourage others to do it when the case arises. I don't need any one's assistance unless they are in the room with me and then feel free to join in. I just have never understood it this craze of doing this stuff over the phone, internet or Skype It's not a form of intimacy. It doesn't bring us together as a couple. It is a masturbation porn video without paying $29.95.
That is all I have for now as I continue you my search for my husband. If Matt Damon, Nick Cannon or Matt Bomer is available, please let them know they can bypass the form below and contact me directly.
