Observations from my Search

"I think my biggest problem is being young and beautiful. It's my biggest problem because I've never been young and beautiful. Oh, I've been beautiful, and God knows I've been young, but never the twain have met." Arnold - Torch Song Trilogy

Hello my loyal followers.  I hope that everyone is having a great holiday season.  So far, my holiday season has been really good. Though I have yet to find my husband for my fairy tale wedding, my life is good. 

How’s my search going you may ask?  Well, I guess the word is very interesting.  I have met some good people and made some eye opening observations about myself, men, and the homosexual male community.  Below is my personal discoveries and I will tell you how it relates to my current location.  Is Costa Rica just like the US?

The Homosexual Male Community 

Don’t think because we are gay and like men that I think all gay men should want to sleep with each other because that is insane.  Just because I like men doesn’t mean I want to sleep with all of them.  We all have our wants and needs when it comes to a spouse and what we find attractive.

With that said, the community celebrates three things above all else; Youth, Fitness, and Straight Acting.  I am a guilty accomplice of this stereotypical standard and it kills me.  Seeing how I am 45, overweight, and gayer than Christmas, this would seem to count me out of the community and in some areas or circles that is correct.

In my youth, I would love to be on the dance floor shaking my booty, drinking until the sun came up, and hitting on men. I was pretty much a club kid or at least, the one horse Midwest town version of a club kid.  It was during these days that someone told me something that stuck with me and was paraphrased in the popular Showtime series “Queer as Folk”. I was told, “Live it up now because when you turn thirty, you have to hang up your high heels because to the community you’re dead.”

This was funny to me at the time, but it is true.  The male portion of the community is so youth driven that age is very important.  It is so important that we have to have a separation of the gay community between our likes in men or how we identify each other.  We have twinks (anyone under the age of 25 or at least in my day that was the age limit, but I guess it could be to anyone that gives off that youthful glow and usually smooth, no hair), boys (anyone that exudes a younger quality and submissive persona), daddies (anyone that exudes an authoritative and masculine persona), silver daddies (usually older men, but any man that has a mature look).  Do all daddies like twinks?  The answer is no, but for the majority of my findings between the four groupings this is what I have experienced.

Twinks like Twinks and Daddies

Boys like Daddies and Silver Daddies

Daddies like Twinks and Boys

Silver Daddies like Twinks, Boys, and Daddies

Then there is the fitness level.  Thanks to the 80’s and rightfully so we became very health and appearance conscience, while still trying to have a 3,000 a day caloric intake. (CURSE, YOU FAST FOOD!!!) Sorry, I digress.  This fitness craze hit the homosexual male community hard because there is no human out there more narcissistic than the gay male.  This includes me. Believe it or not. Fat, middle aged men can be narcissistic, about what trait I have no clue.

We always want someone that compliments us or we think compliments us.  I have said it before that I am a super chub, but I don’t find chubs attractive.  Now, I also don’t think Arnold Schwarzenegger in his heyday was attractive either.  I like more of a lean muscular to average kind of man; Chris Evans to Seth Green. 

The community has boxes for the fitness and appearance level as well.  We have twinks (again no body hair and fit), gym rats (guys who work out in the gym at least 5 times a week for more than an hour a day), bears (guys who have body hair and mostly fit), chubs (guys who are overweight).  Like the age thing above, not all chubs like bears, but for the majority of the community the chubs are left out of the most liked category.

Straight Acting has to be the most cliché item that the homosexual community has to get over. I am working hard to get over this myself.  Why should I not get to know someone because they are a little lighter in their loafers than I am?  I automatically discard someone because they hold their wrist a little limper than I hold mine or they over use the phrase “Girl”.   It is absurd.  Where does this come from?

It comes from our closet days.  We wanted our latest friend (a.k.a. boyfriend) to pass the parent test, which meant for them to get to know the parents without the parents knowing you were gay lovers, or you could call it the work test, which meant for you to bring your partner to a work function without turning into a gay pride parade.  I am extremely guilty of this infraction.  It’s comical, disheartening, and sad all at the same time. 

I have always said that if I wanted to date a woman I would date woman so why should I give an effeminate man a chance.  After thinking about this, I wondered how many men I passed up because of their obvious female characteristics.  Was one of them Mr. Right?  Because as well know, you can’t pick who you love.  It is an emotion and it is fickle.  I have been shown time after time that the person you fall for is not your imaginary Mr.  Right, so I guess Matt Damon is not in my cards.  (Sigh)

Men

With all of these observations and delving into the gay male world that I have done now for 25 years, I have come to the conclusion like many others have that men are sensory creatures.  We like what we hear.  We crave what we smell.  We enjoy what we touch.  We relish what we taste.  We desire what we see.  Though we have feelings and we can have our feelings hurt, we are not driven by them, at least for the most part.

The other item is though in our physical world we may not be organized and/or cleanly.  We have to have everything in their rightful place in our mind or it doesn't work.  For instance, I have friends and I have co-workers and I have family.  I never really relished the idea of them intertwining with one another, but thanks to Facebook, I have no choice anymore, unless I set up several accounts and that just seems to be too much unnecessary work.  However, this is why the homosexual male community has twinks, bears, silver daddies, chubs, super chubs, leopards (like cougars but gay men), otters (thin hairy guys), rice queens (guys who only like Asian men), and so on and so forth. 

Me

I am identified as a Silver Daddy Super Chub Leopard because I am of an older age with grey hair and over 300 lbs.  My most awesome desire in a man would be a Latin otter younger than me but older than 25.  I am also a visual slut or, as you would probably say, I have a wandering eye.  I like to look it, but it doesn't mean I will touch.

Now in my youth, I would have been considered a twink chub, because I wasn’t fit, but I wasn’t near as big as I am now.  My most awesome desire in a man was a Latin otter older man.

I sadly enough perpetuate the issue.  I try to say it is because no one my age is interested in me because I am older or fatter.  Is that true or is it my reasoning for liking younger men?  Am I sabotaging myself?  I have opened up to more effeminate men and guys that are a little heavier, but so far I still can’t give them a green light.

Current Location

I love Kansas City, but being a single chub in Kansas City sucks.  Kansas City doesn't like the chubs.  It is a city that is youth and fit crazed, plus afraid of commitment.  It has to be the worst city to be single and gay. I got little to no action there and the only action I did get was the fleeting once in a corn blue moon action.  Please also don’t tell me I wasn't looking in the right places.  I tried grocery stores, gay bars, gay clubs, churches, choirs and so on and so forth.

I moved to San Jose Costa Rica and, of course the first few months, I got a lot of notice because I was new meat.  We all know that no matter what you look like new meat always gets the once over by everyone.  However as my newness wore off, I was left with a majority of suitors from the age of 20 to 27, which was very new to me.  I know why complain and it really woke the leopard in me.

Yes, most of them were because I was a Gringo and they thought I was a sugar daddy.  They had to soon learn that my sugar was for me and, if they wanted to share in the sugar from my jar, they had to add their own sugar to mine (sugar equals money if you are lost).  This left with a quite a few of them that were interested in me because of my eyes and smile and even my body, go figure.

With all of this, you would have thought I would have found my husband.  Alas that is not so, because though yes I have a lot of suitors, I have no one who is willing to commit to me in a long term basis.  Ticos are very independent people and don’t rush into anything.  In fact, when I told them that my 24 yr. old son was married, the most common response I get from Ticos is that he’s too young to marry.  The majority of Ticos don’t want to settle down until they are in their 30's. 

This was different in Panama City.  They were all exactly like Kansas City.  I don’t think I could get one of them to notice me unless I set myself on fire in the middle of a dance club and even then I think they would just pour their drinks on me to make my flames bigger and brighter.  Panama City gays were not into chubs at all.  My travel buddy, who is very thin, had a lot of men interested in him.  Unfortunate for them, my friend is not a slut like I can be or I should say like I am.  Don’t judge I’m single and I strongly believe in testing driving before you buy.

Nicaragua was even more different in the other side of the spectrum.  I was noticed a lot like I am in Costa Rica, but Nicas want commitment and they were between 20 and 27 as well.  They loved me and wanted to marry me.  I’m not sure if it was for the right reason or not because I was only there for five days.  However, they keep messaging me on my dating apps and begging me to come back to Nicaragua.

With that said you may ask do the same observations about fitness, age and straight acting exist in the Latin America countries like it does in Kansas City.  The answer is yes it does.  Regardless of what country I have visited or lived in, the same stereotypes and groups are relevant.  I am just seeing a different proportion on how many twinks like chubs and how many daddies like silver daddies and so on.

As far as the straight acting, I really don’t have to worry about it here too much because Latin America is still fighting their way out of the closet and so far, my thought is I will never be brought before the family unit at all, especially since Ticos don’t want to commit at least not yet.  Plus I don’t act that gay, but on the other hand what matter does it make, if I clutch my pearls too much while in a conversation.

Alright until next time, may your bartender keep your drink full and strong.